Lamaze--Day one

Lamaze is probably the only class you'll ever take where the instructor lies on her back and throws her legs in the air so that you get a full shot of her fanny and panty lines.

Right before class began, a guy came in alone to inform the instructor that he and his wife were unable to attend because she was in labor four weeks early. He wasn't with her at the hospital because they'd asked him to leave because he was agitating her. He asked for any last minute tips and the instructor told him to"breathe."

As suggested, we took our pillows and blanket. We all tried the suggested labor positions and breathing exercises, but I still have no clue why people use the pillows and blankets. Is it just on tv? Although we didn't use them in class, I was glad to have them because the room was c-c-c-cold, the seats weren't soft, and my back ached. Perhaps I'm a sadist, but I found comfort knowing that the other women in the room were as miserable as I.

What Garrett learned from the class:

• Labor's average time frame is 16 hours, including baby delivery.
• I used to think that the entire duration of labor consisted of pain and suffering. I learned in the class that this is only a small part of the labor experience. B's note: The instructor said that contractions fill 1/3 of the time.
• I learned that a baby should come out facing the mother's butt.
• The worst thing is not to breathe.
• A partner should be encouraging and touching, massage them, help them change positions.
• Woman should change positions every 30 minutes or so and go to the bathroom.
• I'm supposed to give Brandi ice chips every two minutes.
• Whatever I do, I'm supposed to make sure Brandi does not deliver topless. B's note: Seriously, the videos they show in this class are a bit traumatic!

Speaking of traumatic, Garrett wanted me to mention that our instructor gave birth to all three of her children at home. For one of the births, only her husband was present.

No, thank you.